I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize