bring money and cleavage
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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