I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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