This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
