if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
