For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
