He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
