Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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