I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
