Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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