One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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