I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
