My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
