Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
