Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
