What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
