And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
