My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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