I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
