I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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