he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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