just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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