i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
