I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I stole a fireplace last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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