I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
