This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
