Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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