LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
