If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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