we have pet lesbian snakes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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