Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
