you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
