How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
