I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
