Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
