you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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