im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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