The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We got so high we made milksteak
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
