Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
