I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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