I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
