News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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