im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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