Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
