So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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