Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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