i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
COCAINE IS GR8
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
