My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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