I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
