In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
