Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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