I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
