$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize