I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
