I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
