his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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