So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
