i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
