i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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